December Already

Yeesh!

It's nearly Christmas.  How did that happen??  A day at a time, I know.  We have been really crazy busy.  Crazy busy explains it all, right?  Everyone is doing well!  Just the usual antics around here.  I am giving the last set of Finals this week.  HOORAY!  Then I will be able to chill out and concentrate on the family.  I am finishing up shopping this week, now, I just need to wrap all of it.  Ha!

May the Christmas season bring you joy, light and laughter!!

Halloween is right around the corner!  Can you believe it??  We usually spend halloween with our good friends and their daughter.  This year will be no exception.  Well, it seems that Riley is going to hang out with his buddies this year.  Ah, to be a teenager... The rest of us will eat, trick or treat and have fun!  The dounuts on a string are always a must.  Have you ever tried to eat a doughnut on a string?  IT IS SO HARD!!!  What fun traditions do you have?  Let me know... maybe we can try yours too.

Fall is here...

The hiatus is over.  Life isn't slowing down, not one bit!  Summer has passed by and school is in.  The leaves are a riot of color on the mountains and fall is here.  It has been a year full of change for us.  Maybe that is why I love the transition of the seasons... it so fully reflects our life.  It is said that the only constant is change... I suppose it depends on who you are and how you deal with change.  I thrive on change.  I embrace and welcome change!  Sam hates change.  He likes things to be steady and constant.  We balance each other out!  As I charge head on into change- Sam remains stable.  He gives me roots and I give him wings.  We share like that.  We are awesome like that!  We celebrated our 18th anniversary this past Sunday.  What an adventure it has been.  He is still my best friend and confidant.  We still act like newlyweds... I suppose that is better than nearly- deads... LOL!!  We like each other and it is observable.  We still hold hands and laugh in the middle of the night.  We take turns with responsibility and cry together when we need too.  I love that man.  He makes me want to be the best I can be.  I have no idea what he sees in me... but not a single day goes by that I don't thank the Lord for him.  He really is my better half.  Today is his birthday!!  Happy Birthday Sam!  I love you.  40 is way better than 20.  Who knew?  We both face the horizon of our lives.  It isn't too far off.  As life zips past us, we are beginning to realise that every moment is precious.  The present truly is a gift.  Happy Fall!!

Spring is Beautiful

 Riley helping with the horses.

 Spring looks a bit like this:

Spring has sprung.  Bees are humming through the backyard and zipping back into the orchards.

The days are getting longer and warmer too.

As I walked through the sunshine-y orchards this morning I was struck by the beauty of this world.

That even the smallest of God's creations know their place in it.

There was a tiny ladybug bustling about on a patch of grass doing lady bug things, I suppose!

The blossoms are fragrant in riots of white and pink.

Ever wonder where you fit in this beautiful world?

I do sometimes.  

Then, I sit back and enjoy the view.

Even with all of the life's challenges and bitter disappointments,

it really is beautiful.

Life.

Is.

Beautiful.

*sigh*

February Blues

Today is February 28th.  What is normally the last day of the month of love.  It also happens to be Sam's Mom's birthday.  It was my first coherent thought upon waking.  Oooo, it's Mom's birthday.  Then the realization that Mom isn't here.  She has been gone for too long already, even though it has only been 4 years.  I suppose we will take her flowers.  I, of course, will take her a sweet treat.  We will probably cry. Fitting that it is a gray, wet, gloomy day here...hence the February blues.  Then tomorrow the sun will rise, just like it did all those years ago when Mom came into the world.  It will be a brand new day... filled with love, laughter and joy.  Those were the things she taught best.  Love especially.  Ironic she was born in the month of love?  I think not.  It was the very essence of who she was.  Who she continues to be.  I can still hear her cheering for me.  I can still feel her arms around me.  I can still hear her whispered words of encouragement.  I can still feel her love for me.  Now it is my turn.  To share the love.  Thanks, Mom.  Love you too.

Bittersweet sixteen

Today she would be sixteen.  Sixteen years ago today, my heart broke.  Sixteen years ago our sweet baby girl went to heaven.  Although I never got to see her face or hold her hand, she has always been in my heart.  Sixteen years ago, stillbirth was a very hushed, rushed and silent experience.  In the silent heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see.  Much has changed over the years...  Many are allowed to bond with their perfect little baby.  Now I lay me down to sleep, a non-profit organization in Utah will come and take photos of you with your baby.  There are those who donate time to make and sew beautiful burial gowns for these sweet little angels.  There are those who make bracelets for Mommy and baby...  This was not of course, my experience.  We went home empty handed with a heart full of sorrow.  Then came the second blow.  We found out I had cancer.  That I would never have children.  I was 22 years old.  My Dr. recommended a hysterectomy. It felt as if the world had come to an end.  It felt as if I had cheated death in some way and cheated Sam of the life he had always dreamed of.  He dreamed of babies running around with messy faces and big smiles.  That had never been my dream.  Until Sam.   During this time, Sam and I drew so close to each other... we realised that we were living on borrowed time.  I started chemo, determined to survive.  To have children no matter the risk or consequence involved.  We found a new Dr.  We did blood tests.  We held each other at night.  We cried, we prayed and begged the Lord to heal our hearts.  The year I turned 25 against all odds... after several months of bed rest... Riley was born.  He was premature.  The medication I had to take during pregnancy made he and I both very sick.  You see, I only have cancer WHEN I am pregnant.  It's called trophoblastic disease.  And gone unchecked it will take your baby away from you.  I had seven terrible miscarriages.  Every kind you can imagine.  I have experienced every type of birth other than twins or a C-section.  I have had a tubal pregnancy rupture.  I have nearly hemorrhaged to death in front of Sam.  I coded on the table in labor with Ellie.  And you know what?  I would do it all again.  It was worth every pain ridden, faith building, life changing moment.  Sixteen years ago was the beginning of my life.  I wouldn't change it for anything.
Happy Birthday Sweetheart.  I will see you soon.

Love,
Me

JJ Heller - When I'm With You - Olivianna - [Lyrics]