December Already

Yeesh!

It's nearly Christmas.  How did that happen??  A day at a time, I know.  We have been really crazy busy.  Crazy busy explains it all, right?  Everyone is doing well!  Just the usual antics around here.  I am giving the last set of Finals this week.  HOORAY!  Then I will be able to chill out and concentrate on the family.  I am finishing up shopping this week, now, I just need to wrap all of it.  Ha!

May the Christmas season bring you joy, light and laughter!!

Halloween is right around the corner!  Can you believe it??  We usually spend halloween with our good friends and their daughter.  This year will be no exception.  Well, it seems that Riley is going to hang out with his buddies this year.  Ah, to be a teenager... The rest of us will eat, trick or treat and have fun!  The dounuts on a string are always a must.  Have you ever tried to eat a doughnut on a string?  IT IS SO HARD!!!  What fun traditions do you have?  Let me know... maybe we can try yours too.

Fall is here...

The hiatus is over.  Life isn't slowing down, not one bit!  Summer has passed by and school is in.  The leaves are a riot of color on the mountains and fall is here.  It has been a year full of change for us.  Maybe that is why I love the transition of the seasons... it so fully reflects our life.  It is said that the only constant is change... I suppose it depends on who you are and how you deal with change.  I thrive on change.  I embrace and welcome change!  Sam hates change.  He likes things to be steady and constant.  We balance each other out!  As I charge head on into change- Sam remains stable.  He gives me roots and I give him wings.  We share like that.  We are awesome like that!  We celebrated our 18th anniversary this past Sunday.  What an adventure it has been.  He is still my best friend and confidant.  We still act like newlyweds... I suppose that is better than nearly- deads... LOL!!  We like each other and it is observable.  We still hold hands and laugh in the middle of the night.  We take turns with responsibility and cry together when we need too.  I love that man.  He makes me want to be the best I can be.  I have no idea what he sees in me... but not a single day goes by that I don't thank the Lord for him.  He really is my better half.  Today is his birthday!!  Happy Birthday Sam!  I love you.  40 is way better than 20.  Who knew?  We both face the horizon of our lives.  It isn't too far off.  As life zips past us, we are beginning to realise that every moment is precious.  The present truly is a gift.  Happy Fall!!

Spring is Beautiful

 Riley helping with the horses.

 Spring looks a bit like this:

Spring has sprung.  Bees are humming through the backyard and zipping back into the orchards.

The days are getting longer and warmer too.

As I walked through the sunshine-y orchards this morning I was struck by the beauty of this world.

That even the smallest of God's creations know their place in it.

There was a tiny ladybug bustling about on a patch of grass doing lady bug things, I suppose!

The blossoms are fragrant in riots of white and pink.

Ever wonder where you fit in this beautiful world?

I do sometimes.  

Then, I sit back and enjoy the view.

Even with all of the life's challenges and bitter disappointments,

it really is beautiful.

Life.

Is.

Beautiful.

*sigh*

February Blues

Today is February 28th.  What is normally the last day of the month of love.  It also happens to be Sam's Mom's birthday.  It was my first coherent thought upon waking.  Oooo, it's Mom's birthday.  Then the realization that Mom isn't here.  She has been gone for too long already, even though it has only been 4 years.  I suppose we will take her flowers.  I, of course, will take her a sweet treat.  We will probably cry. Fitting that it is a gray, wet, gloomy day here...hence the February blues.  Then tomorrow the sun will rise, just like it did all those years ago when Mom came into the world.  It will be a brand new day... filled with love, laughter and joy.  Those were the things she taught best.  Love especially.  Ironic she was born in the month of love?  I think not.  It was the very essence of who she was.  Who she continues to be.  I can still hear her cheering for me.  I can still feel her arms around me.  I can still hear her whispered words of encouragement.  I can still feel her love for me.  Now it is my turn.  To share the love.  Thanks, Mom.  Love you too.

Bittersweet sixteen

Today she would be sixteen.  Sixteen years ago today, my heart broke.  Sixteen years ago our sweet baby girl went to heaven.  Although I never got to see her face or hold her hand, she has always been in my heart.  Sixteen years ago, stillbirth was a very hushed, rushed and silent experience.  In the silent heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see.  Much has changed over the years...  Many are allowed to bond with their perfect little baby.  Now I lay me down to sleep, a non-profit organization in Utah will come and take photos of you with your baby.  There are those who donate time to make and sew beautiful burial gowns for these sweet little angels.  There are those who make bracelets for Mommy and baby...  This was not of course, my experience.  We went home empty handed with a heart full of sorrow.  Then came the second blow.  We found out I had cancer.  That I would never have children.  I was 22 years old.  My Dr. recommended a hysterectomy. It felt as if the world had come to an end.  It felt as if I had cheated death in some way and cheated Sam of the life he had always dreamed of.  He dreamed of babies running around with messy faces and big smiles.  That had never been my dream.  Until Sam.   During this time, Sam and I drew so close to each other... we realised that we were living on borrowed time.  I started chemo, determined to survive.  To have children no matter the risk or consequence involved.  We found a new Dr.  We did blood tests.  We held each other at night.  We cried, we prayed and begged the Lord to heal our hearts.  The year I turned 25 against all odds... after several months of bed rest... Riley was born.  He was premature.  The medication I had to take during pregnancy made he and I both very sick.  You see, I only have cancer WHEN I am pregnant.  It's called trophoblastic disease.  And gone unchecked it will take your baby away from you.  I had seven terrible miscarriages.  Every kind you can imagine.  I have experienced every type of birth other than twins or a C-section.  I have had a tubal pregnancy rupture.  I have nearly hemorrhaged to death in front of Sam.  I coded on the table in labor with Ellie.  And you know what?  I would do it all again.  It was worth every pain ridden, faith building, life changing moment.  Sixteen years ago was the beginning of my life.  I wouldn't change it for anything.
Happy Birthday Sweetheart.  I will see you soon.

Love,
Me

JJ Heller - When I'm With You - Olivianna - [Lyrics]

And there was snow...

The snow finally showed up.  Sort of.  It is wet and fluffy like snow.  But more of it would be awesome.  Driving home on the freeway last night was a bit of an adventure.  I have always liked adventure, though.  There isn't much here in the valley so hopefully the mountains got pounded.  Now I just need to find a way to go skiing.  *cough*cough* I mean, soul searching.  Er.  Let me explain.  When I am on the side of a mountain, surrounded in the beauty of this world.  The majesty of God... I feel closer to him.  It is absolutely breathtaking.  There is so much beauty IN this world.  When we choose to see it.  As I fly down the side of a mountain, with the wind whipping my ponytail out behind me...I feel free.  Often I laugh to the sky with no one to hear it but God.  He hears my joy.  He feels my heart pound as I soar through the hills and valleys of white.  I tip my face to the blue sky and thank him.  Sometimes with tears streaming down my face.  He sees my gratitude.  He sees me.  He loves me.  And I see and love him back.  Hope your world is full of beauty.  Hope you choose to see it and be grateful.  Hope.  It springs eternal you know.

Ode to Tonsils

Tonsils.
I don't miss you.
The End.


PS.  Can my throat feel better now?
PSS.  Ellie is getting hers out tomorrow.
PSSS.  Tonsils suck.
Just sayin.

Catching On...

I have to admit, having my tonsils out has been a pain.  Literally.  There is so much that needs to be done, and here I sit.  In pain.  Reading and writing because doing dishes right now just hurts too much.  I am so grateful to Sam.  He has been the best care taker, ever.  ( He is rather bossy, though)  He is paitent and kind with me.  Makes sure I take my meds and tries to help keep me comfortable.  I have noticed that the pain is strongest in the dark of night.  It hurts to breathe.  It hurts to swallow.  As I listen to the sound of Sam sleeping beside me, instead of focusing on the pain, I focus on my blessings.  When I am hurting so much there are tears in my eyes, I pray.  How great is that!!  I have a line of direct communication with the Lord.  Prayer.  It is a powerful thing.  Also a healing thing.  To bear the burdens of a weary soul, not to mention getting it out of your mind.  I prayed a lot in the stillness last night.  For my family.  For my sweetheart.  For our life.  For courage to overcome this.  For strength to not complain.  For so much.  Then came the sweet relief.  My heart was full as I drifted off to sleep.  God is good.  In every way.  He is mindful of us.  He really is.  He does hear and answer prayers.  For that I am beyond grateful.  So, I will try to live my life walking in the paths of the Lord.  That He may always hear me.  Love me.  That I may know He is there.  Right beside me.  

After all these years, I think that I may be catching on.  

Focus on your blessings.  Not the pain.  Not the sorrow.  Those things are swept aside in the light of gratitude.  They are but a shadow in the healing light of the Savior.  

Beautiful Christmas and starvation...

I was lucky enough to have a dear friend come help me decorate this year!

Britten, it's beautiful.

Enjoy the handful of pictures!

I am getting better...I think.

Just waiting for this tonsil thing to pass me by.

So I can go eat some french fries.

Seriously.

I would never recommend the starvation diet by tonsillectomy to anyone.

The Christmas Devotional this year was awesome.

President Uchtdorf lit curtains on fire as a child.

And you thought you were hopeless...

It was a poingant reminder of what Christmas is really about.

Christ.

And the Gifts He has freely given to us.

Enjoy!

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On and On and On...

See the theme here?

Quick updates...

We went to Louisiana for Thanksgiving.  It was awesome!!
I got hired at Sundance to be a ski instructor.  Whoo-Hoo!!
My tonsils are officially gone, as of today.

Sam is taking good care of me.  I love that man!

Apples, Pumpkins and Kids OH MY!

Crisp autumn days are here at last!  A respite from the heat of summer.  Chilly fall nights are so great, when curled up with a book and cup of apple cider!!  Fall has always been my very favorite time of year.  Especially here in UT where the four seasons are so evident.  The mountains are a glorious riot of color.  It almost looks like they are on fire!  Brilliant Reds, vivid oranges and yellow so bright it almost hurts.  Fall is also a time of reflection for me.  The beauty of watching nature get ready for it's long winter's nap, makes me, melancholoy.  I get homesick for the south and my family there.  Soon the trees will be bare and snow will blanket the ground.  And in my mind I see green, green trees lining skinny little winding roads through the hills.  Dirt that is so red, you can never get it out of the knees of your jeans.  And lakes and rivers that actually look like lakes and rivers.  Not ponds and streams.  That is home in my head.  People talk slower and open doors for you.  They actually drive the speed limit too.  It is a place of laid back, rest your cares and let's talk over a big cold glass of tea kind of place.  There are times I really miss it.  Yet, in my heart I know that Utah is home.  With skies so blue it doesn't seem real.  Mountains so majestic it makes your heart ache.  And sunsets so beautiful...it makes you cry.  Just to be a part of this beautiful world... 

Yes, in my heart, I am home.  Crisp apples in hand, watching the sun sink into the mountains...and one by one little pinpoints of light brighten the darkness.  The milky way curving it's way across the night sky. There is a chill in the air that soon will be downright cold.  Snuggled with my kiddos under a blanket in our jammies reading, laughing and just hanging out together.  Life is so good.  So, good.  At home.  It is said that home is where the heart is.  This place stole into my heart and became home to me.

I know! I know...

It has been far too long.  I know!  It is busy here!! Come over and see.  Really!

We celebrated Sam's birthday.  Yes.  Yes, we did.  It was awesome.  With cake, a helmet and everything.  Helmet you ask?  Yup.  We got him a ski helmet for his adventures in the snow.  It is for jumping off cliffs and stuff.  On skis.  Yes, he is crazy.  

In other news... the transmission fell out of our truck.  So guess what is strung across the garage.  That is right.  Transmission stuff.  Sam is trying to rebuild it himself.  He can do it.  I am not worried!  It is so great that he has the skill, knowledge and ability to do these things!  I love that man!

Also, we took family pictures this past week.  It is unreal how much the kids have grown this past year.  Crazy.  Hopefully I can get them posted for you to enjoy as well!

Fall is totally here.  Cool nights.  Warm, Sunny days.  Ah.  My favorite time of year.  Makes me want to bake.  Pumpkin bread, chocolate chip cookies, apple cider.  Mmmmmm, delicious!!!  We have already made some caramel to dip the fresh apples in.  We picked peaches Sunday and I hope to make a pie today!  Fall harvest, pretty much rocks.  =)

Looking to our Flag

The American Flag has always stirred something inside me.  Even as a child, I can remember staring at the flag against a bright blue sky and feeling...well, patriotic.  Grandfathers on both sides of my family have served and fought in wars.  As 9/11 approaches I have really been pondering what good I have done for my country.  Although, I am not a soldier, do not carry a gun, or risk my life to defend, honor and uphold God and country... I am making a difference.  One child at a time.  One life at a time.  It is my hope that my gratitude bleeds over into all those I come in contact with.  With all the war, sadness and depression in this world there is much to be thankful for.  That is where Light comes in.  In opposition to war is peace.  Joy in your heart.  Gratitude to a soldier.  It is so hard for me not to hug a soldier in uniform!  When I see them in the store I get a lump in my throat.  My desire is so strong to do MORE.  Then I remember that the hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world.  Mothers, do not doubt your ability to raise good people.  The world needs them in every capacity.  Soldiers, teachers, workers, builders, preachers, people who inspire and uplift this weary world.  And everyone of them has a Mother.  Be kind to your children.  Be loving to your spouse.  Share a smile with a stranger.  We can make a difference.  By spreading light.  I encourage you to read, study and pray how you can bless the lives of those around you.  I still pray for those whose lives changed on 9/11.  All of us were changed, but some lost everything.  I think about them nearly every day.  So many lives lost.  Our soldiers continue to give their lives... let us give them hope.  Be the change YOU wish to see in the world.  It all starts with you.  As for me.... well.  My colors are flying high and free thanks to those who DO defend our freedom.  May God bless them all.  Wherever they may be.  Thank you.  Freedom is never free.

If you find the chance, look up Operation Bandanas.  It is a non-profit organization that sends bandanas to the soldiers deployed all over the world with Psalm 91 on them.  Soldiers wear these beneath their helmets, and many simply fold them and keep them in the pocket over their heart.  It is a poignant reminder that God is watching over us all.  If you are able to make a contribution it is greatly appreciated.

Psalm 91

 1 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

 2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

 3 Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, andfrom the noisome pestilence.

 4 He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

 5 Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

 6 Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for thedestruction that wasteth at noonday.

 7 A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

 8 Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

 9 Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;

 10 There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

 11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

 12 They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

 13 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.

 14 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

 15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.

 16 With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

Really? *Warning, RANT ahead...*

When kids are throwing up they should stay home.  Our cousins showed up for camping sick.  Knew they were sick and came anyway.  Seriously?  Who drives FOUR hours with 5 kids who are sick?  Just to turn around the NEXT day because ALL OF THEM ARE PUKING!  GRRRRRRR.  Guess who is sick now?  My kids.  All of them.  Sam is still hunting in the mountains 4 hours away.  I have a love/hate relationship with cousins, camping and hunting.  And I really, really, REALLY hate it when people are so inconsiderate.  Well, I am off for a date with my bleach bottle.

Tip...
When you are sick.  Stay home.
We don't want it.
Really.
Thanks.

The first two weeks and camping...

We are settling into a routine, if that is what you call it... I prefer craziness!!  School schedules are finally settled and everyone seems to be happy with what they are doing.  Riley is in football and had his first game of the season last night.  It is such a struggle to get him to practice and games, but, I know it is worth it.  He really, really loves it.  He has more heart on that football field than I could have ever imagined a 13 year old could have... He will be 14 in a week.  Is taller than me, and soon will outweigh me too.  The changes he has gone through this past summer have been obvious.  He is maturing...( well as much as any boy can at this age) and being more responsible.  It is wonderful to watch him suffer growing pains as he grows into himself.  Katie is loving orchestra and drama.  Katie, drama?  Same sentence, yes.  My little shy girl LOVES drama.  Who knew?  She is rocking out on her cello...which sounds much less squeaky than a violin.  Listening to a child learn the violin is like scratching your fingernails down a chalkboard.  Listening to a child learn the cello...is kind of like a bad cookie.  And we all know that bad cookies don't exists.  She has grown so much.  She is turning into a beautiful young woman.  If I could only get her to see that...  She is taller than me too.  *sigh*  The scary part is she is all legs.  ALL LEGS.  She has the longest legs I have ever seen.  ( Well besides Sam's...)  She really is growing up.  She of course still spends a lot of time reading and writing.  Now if she would only let us read what she writes.  That leads us to Ellie.  Our personal sunshine has been kinda pouty.  Hopefully it is just a stage and she will get over herself.  She was super excited to test into gifted math...surprise!, Not.  Math is still her favorite subject with science a very close second.  She made a salt dough map of Utah this week.  And painted it too.  Along with her clothes and face and arms and...you get the picture. Most of herself along with it.  It's awesome.  We are trying to find her a piano teacher.   She is ready to get back to a creative outlet.  She has been playing alot on her own and finally came and asked to have lessons.

As I type this, Sam has them all packed up with horses, bells and whistles to go camping in Boulder.  Labor day weekend is always a fun time for them.  They ride the horses, camp, eat junk and hang out.  Sam gets to hang out on the side of a mountain and try to shoot things.  *sigh*  And clear his mind.  This is a time of reflection for him.  Fall always is, for both of us.  I am trying to see the good in everything.  There is a lot going on right now and we are simply trusting the Lord's plan for us.  Sam shattered his elbow about 3 weeks ago, his grandmother died, and I am having some health issues too.  We will get through and be better for it.  All I know, is, I love that man.  LOVE!  He is everything I wish I could be. He makes me a better person simply by allowing me to be in his life.  So together we keep holding onto each other and to the Lord.  When the storm clouds clear away...a perfect rainbow will be on the other side.  Can't wait to see you there!!!

A new school year

Tomorrow is a big day!  The first day of school for the 2011-2012 school year.  The kids are fluctuating between excitement and disappointment.  It is tough for us to get up early and get out the door.  We are all night owls by nature...  Yet, the lure of books, friends and lockers seem to make it more promising!  Riley and Katie will both be in Jr. High this year.  Which means more extracurricular activities and money and time.  Riley is playing football again and loving it!  Katie is the proud owner of a new cello!  Ellie is going into 4th grade and is looking forward to spending time doing more math.  (weird, I know...but that kid LOVES math)

Three fully loaded backpacks are sitting by the door.  Three lunches are packed with love and care.  Three kiddos are tucked safely in bed with dreams of schoolbooks dancing in their head...

A beautiful reminder that this life is so much more than it appears to be.

2 week Countdown

The smell of new clothes permeates the air... along with pens, pencils and crisp sheets of paper.  Yup, it's that time again.  Summer is winding down much to our dismay and school is getting ready to begin.  It is hard to believe that 2 of our kids will be Jr. High students.  How the heck did that happen?!

Summer has been a whirlwind of long, hot sunny days... some spent by the pool and others spent in cool movie theaters.  We have been blessed to have many friends and much family come spend time with us.  It breaks up the monotony of the day to day a bit.  

Now it is time to start a routine.  Time to get to bed at a decent hour. ( Thank Goodness!) Time to arise before noon.  ( poor, poor teenagers...LOL)  It is also time to start brushing up on some school skills.  For a little bit each morning we will be doing some fun stuff to get back into 'mode'!  A little reading, some math and science.  Maybe even a little history.  And of course we will cram as much recess as possible into these last few days!

In the endless realm of school, it is always my hope that we can find out who we truely are.  I have been dreaming of going back and finishing my degree as of late.  And maybe even getting braces... does that make me a teenager too?