Bittersweet sixteen

Today she would be sixteen.  Sixteen years ago today, my heart broke.  Sixteen years ago our sweet baby girl went to heaven.  Although I never got to see her face or hold her hand, she has always been in my heart.  Sixteen years ago, stillbirth was a very hushed, rushed and silent experience.  In the silent heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see.  Much has changed over the years...  Many are allowed to bond with their perfect little baby.  Now I lay me down to sleep, a non-profit organization in Utah will come and take photos of you with your baby.  There are those who donate time to make and sew beautiful burial gowns for these sweet little angels.  There are those who make bracelets for Mommy and baby...  This was not of course, my experience.  We went home empty handed with a heart full of sorrow.  Then came the second blow.  We found out I had cancer.  That I would never have children.  I was 22 years old.  My Dr. recommended a hysterectomy. It felt as if the world had come to an end.  It felt as if I had cheated death in some way and cheated Sam of the life he had always dreamed of.  He dreamed of babies running around with messy faces and big smiles.  That had never been my dream.  Until Sam.   During this time, Sam and I drew so close to each other... we realised that we were living on borrowed time.  I started chemo, determined to survive.  To have children no matter the risk or consequence involved.  We found a new Dr.  We did blood tests.  We held each other at night.  We cried, we prayed and begged the Lord to heal our hearts.  The year I turned 25 against all odds... after several months of bed rest... Riley was born.  He was premature.  The medication I had to take during pregnancy made he and I both very sick.  You see, I only have cancer WHEN I am pregnant.  It's called trophoblastic disease.  And gone unchecked it will take your baby away from you.  I had seven terrible miscarriages.  Every kind you can imagine.  I have experienced every type of birth other than twins or a C-section.  I have had a tubal pregnancy rupture.  I have nearly hemorrhaged to death in front of Sam.  I coded on the table in labor with Ellie.  And you know what?  I would do it all again.  It was worth every pain ridden, faith building, life changing moment.  Sixteen years ago was the beginning of my life.  I wouldn't change it for anything.
Happy Birthday Sweetheart.  I will see you soon.

Love,
Me

JJ Heller - When I'm With You - Olivianna - [Lyrics]

And there was snow...

The snow finally showed up.  Sort of.  It is wet and fluffy like snow.  But more of it would be awesome.  Driving home on the freeway last night was a bit of an adventure.  I have always liked adventure, though.  There isn't much here in the valley so hopefully the mountains got pounded.  Now I just need to find a way to go skiing.  *cough*cough* I mean, soul searching.  Er.  Let me explain.  When I am on the side of a mountain, surrounded in the beauty of this world.  The majesty of God... I feel closer to him.  It is absolutely breathtaking.  There is so much beauty IN this world.  When we choose to see it.  As I fly down the side of a mountain, with the wind whipping my ponytail out behind me...I feel free.  Often I laugh to the sky with no one to hear it but God.  He hears my joy.  He feels my heart pound as I soar through the hills and valleys of white.  I tip my face to the blue sky and thank him.  Sometimes with tears streaming down my face.  He sees my gratitude.  He sees me.  He loves me.  And I see and love him back.  Hope your world is full of beauty.  Hope you choose to see it and be grateful.  Hope.  It springs eternal you know.

Ode to Tonsils

Tonsils.
I don't miss you.
The End.


PS.  Can my throat feel better now?
PSS.  Ellie is getting hers out tomorrow.
PSSS.  Tonsils suck.
Just sayin.

Catching On...

I have to admit, having my tonsils out has been a pain.  Literally.  There is so much that needs to be done, and here I sit.  In pain.  Reading and writing because doing dishes right now just hurts too much.  I am so grateful to Sam.  He has been the best care taker, ever.  ( He is rather bossy, though)  He is paitent and kind with me.  Makes sure I take my meds and tries to help keep me comfortable.  I have noticed that the pain is strongest in the dark of night.  It hurts to breathe.  It hurts to swallow.  As I listen to the sound of Sam sleeping beside me, instead of focusing on the pain, I focus on my blessings.  When I am hurting so much there are tears in my eyes, I pray.  How great is that!!  I have a line of direct communication with the Lord.  Prayer.  It is a powerful thing.  Also a healing thing.  To bear the burdens of a weary soul, not to mention getting it out of your mind.  I prayed a lot in the stillness last night.  For my family.  For my sweetheart.  For our life.  For courage to overcome this.  For strength to not complain.  For so much.  Then came the sweet relief.  My heart was full as I drifted off to sleep.  God is good.  In every way.  He is mindful of us.  He really is.  He does hear and answer prayers.  For that I am beyond grateful.  So, I will try to live my life walking in the paths of the Lord.  That He may always hear me.  Love me.  That I may know He is there.  Right beside me.  

After all these years, I think that I may be catching on.  

Focus on your blessings.  Not the pain.  Not the sorrow.  Those things are swept aside in the light of gratitude.  They are but a shadow in the healing light of the Savior.  

Beautiful Christmas and starvation...

I was lucky enough to have a dear friend come help me decorate this year!

Britten, it's beautiful.

Enjoy the handful of pictures!

I am getting better...I think.

Just waiting for this tonsil thing to pass me by.

So I can go eat some french fries.

Seriously.

I would never recommend the starvation diet by tonsillectomy to anyone.

The Christmas Devotional this year was awesome.

President Uchtdorf lit curtains on fire as a child.

And you thought you were hopeless...

It was a poingant reminder of what Christmas is really about.

Christ.

And the Gifts He has freely given to us.

Enjoy!

Share

On and On and On...

See the theme here?

Quick updates...

We went to Louisiana for Thanksgiving.  It was awesome!!
I got hired at Sundance to be a ski instructor.  Whoo-Hoo!!
My tonsils are officially gone, as of today.

Sam is taking good care of me.  I love that man!