Bittersweet sixteen

Today she would be sixteen.  Sixteen years ago today, my heart broke.  Sixteen years ago our sweet baby girl went to heaven.  Although I never got to see her face or hold her hand, she has always been in my heart.  Sixteen years ago, stillbirth was a very hushed, rushed and silent experience.  In the silent heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see.  Much has changed over the years...  Many are allowed to bond with their perfect little baby.  Now I lay me down to sleep, a non-profit organization in Utah will come and take photos of you with your baby.  There are those who donate time to make and sew beautiful burial gowns for these sweet little angels.  There are those who make bracelets for Mommy and baby...  This was not of course, my experience.  We went home empty handed with a heart full of sorrow.  Then came the second blow.  We found out I had cancer.  That I would never have children.  I was 22 years old.  My Dr. recommended a hysterectomy. It felt as if the world had come to an end.  It felt as if I had cheated death in some way and cheated Sam of the life he had always dreamed of.  He dreamed of babies running around with messy faces and big smiles.  That had never been my dream.  Until Sam.   During this time, Sam and I drew so close to each other... we realised that we were living on borrowed time.  I started chemo, determined to survive.  To have children no matter the risk or consequence involved.  We found a new Dr.  We did blood tests.  We held each other at night.  We cried, we prayed and begged the Lord to heal our hearts.  The year I turned 25 against all odds... after several months of bed rest... Riley was born.  He was premature.  The medication I had to take during pregnancy made he and I both very sick.  You see, I only have cancer WHEN I am pregnant.  It's called trophoblastic disease.  And gone unchecked it will take your baby away from you.  I had seven terrible miscarriages.  Every kind you can imagine.  I have experienced every type of birth other than twins or a C-section.  I have had a tubal pregnancy rupture.  I have nearly hemorrhaged to death in front of Sam.  I coded on the table in labor with Ellie.  And you know what?  I would do it all again.  It was worth every pain ridden, faith building, life changing moment.  Sixteen years ago was the beginning of my life.  I wouldn't change it for anything.
Happy Birthday Sweetheart.  I will see you soon.

Love,
Me