Bittersweet sixteen

Today she would be sixteen.  Sixteen years ago today, my heart broke.  Sixteen years ago our sweet baby girl went to heaven.  Although I never got to see her face or hold her hand, she has always been in my heart.  Sixteen years ago, stillbirth was a very hushed, rushed and silent experience.  In the silent heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see.  Much has changed over the years...  Many are allowed to bond with their perfect little baby.  Now I lay me down to sleep, a non-profit organization in Utah will come and take photos of you with your baby.  There are those who donate time to make and sew beautiful burial gowns for these sweet little angels.  There are those who make bracelets for Mommy and baby...  This was not of course, my experience.  We went home empty handed with a heart full of sorrow.  Then came the second blow.  We found out I had cancer.  That I would never have children.  I was 22 years old.  My Dr. recommended a hysterectomy. It felt as if the world had come to an end.  It felt as if I had cheated death in some way and cheated Sam of the life he had always dreamed of.  He dreamed of babies running around with messy faces and big smiles.  That had never been my dream.  Until Sam.   During this time, Sam and I drew so close to each other... we realised that we were living on borrowed time.  I started chemo, determined to survive.  To have children no matter the risk or consequence involved.  We found a new Dr.  We did blood tests.  We held each other at night.  We cried, we prayed and begged the Lord to heal our hearts.  The year I turned 25 against all odds... after several months of bed rest... Riley was born.  He was premature.  The medication I had to take during pregnancy made he and I both very sick.  You see, I only have cancer WHEN I am pregnant.  It's called trophoblastic disease.  And gone unchecked it will take your baby away from you.  I had seven terrible miscarriages.  Every kind you can imagine.  I have experienced every type of birth other than twins or a C-section.  I have had a tubal pregnancy rupture.  I have nearly hemorrhaged to death in front of Sam.  I coded on the table in labor with Ellie.  And you know what?  I would do it all again.  It was worth every pain ridden, faith building, life changing moment.  Sixteen years ago was the beginning of my life.  I wouldn't change it for anything.
Happy Birthday Sweetheart.  I will see you soon.

Love,
Me

JJ Heller - When I'm With You - Olivianna - [Lyrics]

And there was snow...

The snow finally showed up.  Sort of.  It is wet and fluffy like snow.  But more of it would be awesome.  Driving home on the freeway last night was a bit of an adventure.  I have always liked adventure, though.  There isn't much here in the valley so hopefully the mountains got pounded.  Now I just need to find a way to go skiing.  *cough*cough* I mean, soul searching.  Er.  Let me explain.  When I am on the side of a mountain, surrounded in the beauty of this world.  The majesty of God... I feel closer to him.  It is absolutely breathtaking.  There is so much beauty IN this world.  When we choose to see it.  As I fly down the side of a mountain, with the wind whipping my ponytail out behind me...I feel free.  Often I laugh to the sky with no one to hear it but God.  He hears my joy.  He feels my heart pound as I soar through the hills and valleys of white.  I tip my face to the blue sky and thank him.  Sometimes with tears streaming down my face.  He sees my gratitude.  He sees me.  He loves me.  And I see and love him back.  Hope your world is full of beauty.  Hope you choose to see it and be grateful.  Hope.  It springs eternal you know.